How to make your relationship stronger

How to make your relationship stronger

Relationship   June 06, 2017

                 How to make your relationship stronger

Love is an important element and foundation of the relationship you have with your life mate. Love is patient, Love is kind…. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

The word love is used so loosely in the English Language today. We love our pets, but that’s different than loving our mates. We can love a piece of music, our child or the cool breeze of a spring morning. There’s even the term “Love” in tennis. 

We are capable of loving a close friend, our jobs, and our favorite meals. Love also represents very different emotions. What sets apart the emotion we have for a wife or a special woman? Falling in love is surely different than these other loves.

Learning more about this word love will help us better understand how this relationships often start out like any other emotion, but then progress to the point where both people desire a lifetime commitment together.

Love is far beyond just feeling, and we all know from past experiences that feeling “in love” can be misleading and is often very fickle. Today the feeling is here, and tomorrow it’s gone. Individuals who make decisions based on their feelings are usually unstable in other areas of their lives.

Scriptures gives a very clear definition of what biblical love is all about. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is probably the most used scripture at wedding ceremonies (in both religious and nonreligious weddings):

  Love is patience, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

 love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, hopes, always persevere.

 Mother Teresa Coded this: "love is a fruit in season at all times,and within reach of every hand. anyone may gather it, and no limit is set. everyone can reach this love through meditation, spirit of prayer, and sacrifice by an intense inner life."

The scripture describes three types of love.

1.  “Eros,” or erotic love,

This type of love is driven by physical attraction to another individual. We feel sexual desire toward that person. This type of love can arrive quickly and has a very strong appeal. 

Young love is usually this type. As men (because they are more visual than women), you need to distinguish this as a “red flag” in a relationship.

 Eros certainly has its place in a marriage relationship, and a well-rounded, intimate relationship will certainly have this type of love evident. But Eros love, if not discriminate used, can end up controlling your life.

 This is an emotion that needs to be controlled by you. Don’t be carried away by your senses during your early courtship. Eros love occurs and is important in females, but it is usually develops at a slower pace than with male. 

    2. The “Philo” Love

Philo Love is often referred to as “brotherly love”. This kind of love is one you share with a close friend. It comes about after spending a great deal of time with someone.

 That’s why many marriage counselors recommend that courtship before marriage should last a minimum of one year. The more we know about an individual, the more likely we will become a “Philo friend.” Married love is healthiest when it comes out of a friendship relation. That’s one of the purposes of dating. 

We get a chance to truly know the one we are going out with. This love is extremely important in finding your life mate. Philo love can be extended to your next door neighbors, a teammate in sports, and a fellow worker, someone leading a small group of which you are a member.

How are we led to have this type of love? Not like Eros which is based on physical attraction. Philo is developed as a person’s character traits and interests become known by you, and you realize that those traits are ones you value.

Your wife should be your favorite’s friend of the opposite sex. However, you can and should have other Philo friends of your gender. Men tend to be loners. I encourage you to have several other friends. Be careful when dealing with ladies who want to be your friends when you are married. 

We all need to have acquaintances but we also must guard our hearts when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex.

How to express your love

• There are many ways by which we can express love.

• By saying it often

•   Through hug
•   Through kiss especially to married couples

•  Through giving and sharing

•  Outing, etc

We develop Philo love when spending time together by going on picnics, hiking, sharing, sport activities, going to theater, watching movies, sharing bags of popcorn. Our Philo friends bring out the best in us. We love to be around them. They help civilize and inspire us.

Men and women are different in how they progress from the first meeting to sexual fulfillment. Male tends to go from Eros love to Philo love, but female often develop Philo first then go to Eros love. 

Your wife or girl friend might make a statement such as, “he grew on me!” what she is saying is that she developed Eros love after getting to know you as a friend. Even after marriage, never forget the need of the woman in your life. She wants you to be her number one friend of the opposite sex.

Philo love can be turned off by the words we use. Words that convey anger, arrogance, self-pity, selfishness, resentment, and mistrust are negatives in your relationship. Guard your Philo love with words that encourage, inspire, compliment, and show respect and appreciation.

        3. The Third one is the Agape Love.

Agape is the most common word for love in the New Testament. This love actively seeks to do the right thing for and meet the needs of the loved person. 

Agape Love sacrifices personal feelings and need to meet the needs of your spouse. In agape love we willingly give up our rights, our desires and our demands to fulfill our partners’. We may come home from work too tired to be kind or romantic to our spouses who need our loving attention.

 But agape love moves beyond what we feel like doing. It patiently seeks to discover and meet the needs of the other, no matter what the personal cost may be. So we rise above ourselves and meet the need of our spouses.

All facets of love must reside within the boundaries of agape love. Our goal as Christians is to allow agape love to penetrate and rule the other two dimensions of love in our lives.

 In order to allow agape love its rightful place, we must first know Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior and be submissive to his leadership. If we haven’t made this basic commitment, you cannot move beyond Eros and Philo love.

 Many marriages can survive on these two dimensions of love alone, but it is God’s will for Christians to allow agape love to dominate all their relationships, bringing more depth and love to marriage. Agape love is the concrete in the foundation of a relationship that is ready to commit for life.

You can also have agape love for people to whom you are not married. Your children, your parent, your fellow Christians can all experience an agape love with you.

All the three types of love should be experienced with that one person you wish to marry or are married to. The more you know about love, you’ll be able to love your wife or partner

Simple ways to control problems in marriages

Simple ways to control problems in marriages

Relationship   May 04, 2017

                                          

                Simple ways to control problems in marriages

The home is an institution for people needing professional care or supervision or a place one lives permanently, especially as a member of the family or household, and Challenges the other side are setbacks and confrontation that occurs in every home.

Just as life is, marriage is Chequered with different experiences. It is blissful, exciting and fulfilling, but at the same time, it is fraught with challenges and problems.

 Most of the challenges or problems which threaten marriage backgrounds idiosyncrasies, carelessness, misunderstanding, bad behaviour of the partners, or lack of love and affection among them.

 Other challenges are caused by external forces such as interference from in-laws and demonic attacks. these problems are discussed below in some details.

1. Infidelity in the home: The wife or the husband may not be faithful to their marriage vows that is either of them may be having extramarital affair.

2. Different core Beliefs: starting a marriage on different core foundations may quickly lead to disaster. This applies mostly in area of religious beliefs.

If one of the partners in holiness, the other believes no person can a holy Life; or where each interprets religious teachings differently because they attend different religious assemblies.

conflicts arising from the couple's core  beliefs may cause cause particular difficulties when it comes to deciding how to raise children.

3. Lack of physical intimacy: Physical intimacy is the highest form of intimacy, excitement and affection in marriage. if a couple lives together but doesn't have physical intimacy, their relationship is almost a resemblance of a friendship. Sacrificing intimacy because there is no time, one or both partners are tired, or somebody is holding a grudge is a recipe for the end relationship.

creating time for physical intimacy demonstrates love, commitment and support for the future of the marriage.

4. Family Issues: Frequent fights between couple over issues concerning family members sour the relationship and widen the communication gap between husband and wife.

5. Financial Matters: two individuals generally do not have the same spending pattern. conflict over financial  are prevalent in urban families where needs are more than the available finances resources.

6. Infirmity: This has to do with either of the spouses or other members of the family having a health challenge.

7. Problems from in-laws: The in-laws, at times, can be very hostile to either of the spouses. This, if not properly handled by both spouses, can cause serious problems in their marriage.

8. Infertility: one of the partners might be barren or sterile. If they are not able to handle this with wisdom and love, it can give rise to a lot of problems in their marriages.
                                                    

 How should you as a couple deal with this challenges? Identify the problems and their causes; don't announce your problems to everyone;  avoid blaming others; shun anger; own up where you are wrong and talk it over with your partner; face the problems squarely; and never worry about the problems, but bring them face to face with promises of God.

Prayer and faith in God will turn your situation around requires the couple to work together. Every marriage has its own challenges. The couple must consciously work at surmounting the challenges of their marriages, and make it work.

It is the little things each does for the other everyday that fosters good marital relationship. The following are things that make the marriage relationship work.

• Consideration: Husband and wife should be considerate of each others feelings, needs, and sensibilities. Don't do to your spouse what you consider offensive
• Concern: One of the most dangerous signs in a marriage is when a spouse stops showing concern for the other. As a wife or husband, you must always show concern for the needs and well-being of your partner's health, for instance. always stay by them and take care of them.
• Communication: Communication between the partners is the lifeblood of any relationship. Nothing must hinder the free flow of communication between the couple.
• Courtesy: As a couple, you must be very courteous when talking to each other. Refrain from being rude, offensive, or disrespectful to each other.
• Availability: You must make yourself available for your spouse as much as possible. Availability entails having listening ears, being a shoulder to cry on, sharing laughter, having mealtimes together, etc. These fosters friendship in marriage.
• Compliment: Don't see all that your spouse does for you as normal, his responsibility, or you right. Compliment him even for the little effort he puts into what he does.
• Gifts: You should learn to give gift to each other. when you see anything your partner likes while you are shopping, buy it for him if it's within your means.
  Always surprise your spouse when he least expects it. That means that you do not seek their permission before doing it. that is why its called a surprise.
  
• Contact: Never Lose contact with your partner; never fail to communicate with him. Always stay in touch with him no matter how busy you may be.
  Make out time even when job is very demanding, to give him a quick call, send him an SMS, or have lunch with him if your office is close to his or your house is by the corner.
  
• Assistance: Assist your wife at home. No woman is superhuman. She shouldn't be left to do all the domestic chores. Surprise her occasionally by helping out with some chores.
• Prayer: Pray together and pray individually for each other's specific needs. 
• Respect: Remember that respect is reciprocal. Respect each other, and let the respect of flow to your in-laws as well.
• Income: Contribute to the family income. It is a known fact that God has made the husband to be the breadwinner of the family, but wife should support him in this role by contributing her quota to the family income. When you do this as wife, you will reduce the burden of your husband, especially at this time of global economic recession.
• Protection: The husband is to protect his wife against physical and emotional assaults from outsiders. the wife should do likewise.
• Apology: Learn to apologize to your spouse when you offend them. Always say "I'm sorry" and truly mean it.  

• Spirituality: most importantly, put God first in your relationship; He's the foundation and the anchor of marriage. Do everything within your power to prepare your spouse for eternity, which is the ultimate goal of every Christian. Build together here on earth and make heaven together at the end of life.
  As mature adults, you should understand that life is not void of storms and the marital life is not an exception. Vicissitudes of life rock every marriage at one point or the other, but learn to endure with your spouse.
  
  God has made you flesh, so share your challenges and burdens in love. Faithfulness is required of both of you as true joint heirs of grace for a fulfilling union. Don't let your marriage go sour. Do something urgently to mend fences with your spouse if you have issues in your marriage.

Your Home can be what you dreamed about if you fight for it prayerfully. God Bless you all. Amen